Nora sat on her bed blocking out their yelling, she heard a soft knock on her door and saw David come into her room with a teddy bear in hand. She smiled softly and scooted over to make room for him on the bed, he hopped in and she saw the tear streaks on his cheek and her heart broke.

“ Do you want me to read you a story?” 

He nodded and she took out his favorite book from her bedside table.

“Once upon a time….” She began.

Nora watched her seven year old brother sleep, he looked so peaceful sucking his thumb and holding his teddy bear close. She kissed his forehead and pulled the blanket over him and finally let the tears out. Every night he came into her room, scared of their yelling and she smiled and comforted him. She wanted him to feel safe, she wanted to reassure him that despite the yelling he had her, it was her duty to be there for him. But who was there for her? Who comforted her and held her as she cried? No one, she couldn’t bring herself to tell her friends what was going on, they would not understand or worse they would stop talking to her. She couldn’t tell her aunt that would be airing out her family’s dirty laundry. This was the best option for everyone, her silence and taking care of her brother herself

Nora hummed to her favorite song as she made breakfast, she decided to make David’s favourite, pancakes. She ignored her father’s drunken snores from the sofa, her mother had already left for work before she woke up, she left money for food and a note saying she’d be home late. Nora again had to prepare all the meals, clean up and take her brother to school. She had already cleaned up the broken glass from last night's fight, done the dishes and showered ready for school. David was putting on his school uniform as she prepared breakfast and then they would leave for school hopefully before their father woke up. She couldn’t let David be there to watch the aftermath of his drunken nights, he would be angry and would yell and break everything in sight, she was always scared that one day that won’t be enough to satisfy his rage and he would turn on them and no she couldn’t think about that. She always promised herself that if that ever happened she would take David and leave, she did not know where to but they would be out of that house.

A dysfunctional family is one in which the relationships between the members do not follow the norm and are strained and unfulfilling. In such families, the members mostly feel emotionally and at times physically unsafe. Various situations and dynamics create a dysfunctional family

• Parents with mental illnesses such as depression, anxiety, schizophrenia, narcissism and at times addiction. This prevents parents from being emotionally and physically present in healthy ways. Children moreso the eldest children may be forced to take on the parental role and lose their childhood in the process.
• Emotional and physical abuse. This can be in various ways for example when one parent abuses the other or both parents abuse the children or when one sibling abuses the other. The abuse could include emotional manipulation, These situations make the children develop unhealthy coping mechanisms and affect their emotional development. They may shut off their emotions or become withdrawn.
• Parents who practice toxic parenting styles. Most people criticize Lorelai from Gilmore Girls because she was more of her daughter’s friend instead of her mother. Parenting is not an easy job and at times parents might practice parenting styles that affect their children negatively, these include; being emotionally dependent on your children, pitting siblings against one another, openly favoring one child, being too controlling or strict with your children, being emotionally absent or neglectful with your children, not appreciating your children’s successes and many more. 

Children tend to be the most affected as they spend their formative years in a home that does not satisfy their emotional needs. Just like Nora some children may choose to shut down their own emotions to care for their siblings or parents in their home. Some might be like David, constantly scared and unsure of what is happening. Children carry the emotional wounds the hardest and longest and they might manifest them in the following ways:

• Difficulty forming healthy relationships and friendships.
• Taking on parental roles and lacking a childhood.
• Psychiatric disorders such as depression, anxiety and panic.
• Trouble trusting people and opening up.
• Low self esteem.
• Unhealthy coping mechanisms such as substance and alcohol abuse, people pleasing and being emotionally avoidant.
• Getting and staying in toxic and abusive relationships.
• Hyper independence that is being fully dependent even in situations where you should have help.
• Codependency. This is a situation where one focuses on the other person at the expense of their own emotional state. They tend to put their own needs aside to cater to those of another person. The child might form codependent relationships where they are eager to please in order to prevent the other party from leaving by not speaking up about their needs or taking the abuse.

Many children do not open up about unhealthy family dynamics for various reasons; they may not realize the family situation is not normal, they may be ashamed of the family situation, they may feel the situation is not so bad and it could be worse so they do not complain or they might not have someone to talk to

It is important to be kind and patient with such children. We should create a space where they feel safe enough to open up and help them seek the help they need. We also need to educate teachers and those who work closely with children to notice the signs and ways they can help these children. We can also educate parents on healthy parenting styles and help them deal with their mental health or addictions in a healthy way so that they can be present parents. We need to break the cycles as most children who grow up in dysfunctional families end up creating dysfunctional families.